Uhm...

...sorry, I kinda dozed off there...anyway, I'm back.

We live on a beautiful hillside in a town called Mission, in BC's Fraser Valley. This is part of the view from our backyard;

Well, our neighbours, whose roof you see in this picture, spent most of today with a chainsaw hacking down some trees to the left (slightly out of range of this photo). I guess it obscured their view or some such thing.

I can't for the life of me understand how folks can chop down living trees, especially HERE, because they're "inconvenient".

Funny, I was just saying to my wife this morning as we sat on the back deck, how incredible it was to be sheltered in by all these amazing trees and shrubs. Pisser, total pisser.

Silly Love Songs

One of the most infamous lines in pop lyricism is Dan Hill’s “Sometimes when we touch/the honesty’s too much”

An invitation to derision, to be sure.

In answer to this, and for no reason other than I’m bored, here is my homage (as the kids say) to this putrid piece of pathetic pseudo-poignancy…

Sometimes when I fart/I like to call it art

Sometimes when I walk/it’s just around the block

Sometimes when I drive/I drink a “Five Alive”

Sometimes when I eat/there’s nothing on my feet

Sometimes when I sleep/my dreams are very deep

Sometimes when I swim/I should be at the gym

Sometimes when I work/it’s fun to be a jerk

And I have to close my eyyyyyyes, and hide.

Levee's gonna break

Having just moved to Vancouver, and while we’re waiting to take possession of our newly purchased house, I’m bunking with my boss, an amazing man with a huge brain, a huge heart, and a really big TV.

Looking through his DVD collection the other day, I found Michael Moore’s “Sicko”. This is one of the most depressing films I’ve ever seen. You think America is screwed? Wrong. They’re not simply “screwed”, they are in total decline. We are actually witnessing, in our lifetime, the decline and fall of what was once the most powerful nation on earth. I’m not just basing this on a Michael Moore film, I’m basing it on cold hard fact.

Their economy is toast. They are mired in a war that is costing billions and billions of dollars. Their federal government is corrupt to the point that they can no longer even keep their own lies straight. Their media mouthpiece is one of the most well-funded television networks on the air, Fox. Their friends are “good Christian people”, everyone else is “evil” or “connected to terrorism”.

The United States government no longer has the power, nor the want, to protect the freedom that it is supposedly fighting and dying for. It is a tired, filthy, burned-out shell of a once great empire.

This is very surreal. For most of us, the collapse of nations and civilizations has always been limited to history books. We are now seeing it first hand.

For the longest time I was thrilled, still am really, to be alive at the dawn of the “Digital Age”. This, this is something else entirely, a fearsome specter that I would never have dreamt I would see in my lifetime.

Puff, daddy

I enjoy the occasional cigar, and by cigar I don’t mean one whose name begins with the words “Old Port” or “White Owl” – so when it came time to say farewell to one of my oldest friends, prior to moving from Ontario to B.C., we arranged to meet at one of our favourite haunts, Thomas Hinds Tobacconist in Toronto.

Thomas Hinds is probably the most famous cigar shop in Toronto, they boast a very large walk-in humidor, a selection of the very best cigars, and a very comfortable lounge in which to smoke them.

I arrived ahead of my friend, walked into the shop and upstairs, followed by one of the shopkeepers who would, as was customary, unlock the humidor so I could make my selection. Imagine my surprise however when I walked through what had been the smoking lounge and saw office furniture and cubicle dividers in place of the couches and wingback chairs that had always been there. “What happened to the lounge?” I inquired. “Government shut us down”. He obviously read my look of disbelief and added “end of an era”.

You can no longer smoke in a shop that caters only to smokers.

No one stumbles upon Thomas Hinds thinking it’s a restaurant, bar, library, grocery or convenience store. People – people who smoke cigars – are the only people who patronize Thomas Hinds. They know EXACTLY why they are there, and EXACTLY what to expect when they go there. They have no allusions about second-hand smoke, they are there to enjoy every last puff FIRST hand. They know it’s not healthy, they know the risks, but they choose to smoke cigars anyway. Choice is part of democracy, to get all grandiose on yer ass.

My friend had not yet arrived, so I chose a Romeo et Julietta (one of my favourites), paid and left.

I met my friend, we had dinner, and then I realized I’d left my cel phone in the shop. When I went back the clerk handed it over to me, and as we left I noticed the very distinct aroma of a freshly lit cigar wafting through the air.

So I breathed in as deeply as I could and left.

Got game

This past week the B.C. Department of Life-Sized Puppets unveiled their hideously cute official mascots of the 2010 Olympics. Of the 3, I can only recall the name of the third, “Sumi”.

I love this name, it sounds like a dare. I think we need more of this in Olympic sport. Enough with the political correctness, let’s put some ‘tude in these here games.

btw I STILL think “pie eating” should be an Olympic sport…

DUI (Driving Under Intelligently)

Sometimes it takes me a while to catch up on pop culture, so it’s been only
recently that I You-Tubed the months-old Paris Hilton humility-fest on Letterman.

This clip should be shown in college and university Media Studies classes, as an example of how the myth of celebrity is created and ultimately destroyed.

Some have accused David Letterman of being cruel, but in fact this was high satire. He wasn’t just poking fun at her, he wasn’t bullying her, he was merely using sarcasm to make the point that all of us, including Paris Hilton, are responsible for own actions, and that there is a price to pay – a lesson that I honestly don’t believe she’s learned. David Letterman merely held the bubble of celebrity privilege up to her face and pushed a pin into it.

Read into his question “did you know what you were in (jail) for?” Prior to being charged, tried and jailed Ms Hilton repeatedly played dumb about driving while intoxicated, driving while under licence suspension, driving while on probation, etc. Paris, if you act stupid then you will be treated as if you ARE stupid, you cannot have it both ways.

If this had been a Barbara Walters interview there would have been soft-focus crocodile tears, long pauses, re-assurances that we now live in a kinder, gentler world because Paris has suffered for our sins, moments of soul-feeding sisterhood, long walks through manicured gardens, blah blah blah blah blah. “Homecoming – the Paris Hilton you never knew, tonight on FOX following an all-new Shitbenders”.

But it wasn’t, it was Letterman, it was not her stage to set, it was his. To quote one of my favourite proverbs “you knew I was a snake when you picked me up”.

In a previous blog I held out hope that this icon of vacuous pop culture would live up to her pledge of selflessness once she left jail, and I meant it. Instead she went on Letterman to shill for her new perfume. Without so much as lifting the cap off the bottle I can tell you that it reeks of social conscience rotting from the inside out.

I bear no personal malice towards Paris Hilton, honestly I could care less about her life, it has no bearing on my own. So why write anything? Because I DO care about this long dark tunnel of stupidity that so much of western culture seems to be crawling down on its hands and knees, hoping that the next celebrity disaster will momentarily illuminate its personal darkness.

The Letterman interview was a cultural landmark, evidence that yes, there are those of us who will not allow our intelligence to be insulted, will not be led like doomed livestock into the darkness of that tunnel.

Saints and sinners

A couple of weeks ago the front page of the National Post featured a large photo of the late Mother Teresa, topped with the headline “I HAVE NO FAITH”.

This headline is of course far removed from it’s original context and sensationalized to sell papers (oooo, Lindsay, Britney, Ma Teresa). Recently a collection of her letters, sent to a confidante, were discovered, letters she’d requested destroyed upon her death. The letters, some dating back 40 years, indicated that this saintly woman had, on several occasions, faced a dire crisis of faith.

Personally I find these revelations to be a more comforting version of faith than had she been steadfast in her convictions. Mother Teresa was a human being, certainly a more compassionate and dedicated human being than I and maybe you, but a human being all the same, one who wore the flaws and the bonds of original creation. She was not perfect, and I find this reassuring because none of us are. She worked amongst the poorest of the poor, the sickest of the sick, people with no hope in a city that could pass for hell. And she experienced a lapse of faith? Who’d have thought! Slacker.

Whether you believe him to have been the messiah (Christianity), a prophet (Judaism) or just a mortal man, it’s well documented that Jesus Christ underwent a major crisis of faith on the eve of his crucifixion. I think we can cut soon-to-be-a Saint Mother Theresa some slack here folks.

MMMMmmmm, mouse head

I love my cats, all 3 of them, but when I found the bloodied severed head of a mouse in my home studio the other morning, I can’t say that warm and fuzzy kitty love was what I was feeling. More like that confused early morning “WTF is THAT” kind of disgust.

yeesh…

She works hard for the money...

Wow, some woman just got off the train dressed like a bleached-blonde hooker. I can’t tell if she’s coming FROM work or going TO work.

Angels and Demons revisited

Well, I finished reading Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons” and I have to take back some of my earlier remarks to the effect that it was little more than an early “draft” of “The DaVinci Code”.

I loved this book, in fact I enjoyed it much more than “The DaVinci Code”. It was more intense, the symbology was deeper, and it was just a great read.

Btw it’s currently in production for a major film release. Since the books lead character is the same Robert Langdon from “The DaVinci Code” I fear that the movie lead will again be Tom Hanks, to which I can only say uurrrgghhhhhhh!!!!

aarrrrgghhhhh

If you are a resident of Ontario I REALLY hope you can see through the thinly-veiled Liberal party’s latest attempt at vote-bribery aka the “proposed” February statutory holiday.

Seriously, can you really trust a party that, for the past 4 years, has lied to you, taken more than their share of your hard earned dollars in order to cover their f**kups, raised taxes, made YOU pay TWICE for the same health care you used to only pay ONCE for, given themselves a 25% salary increase, and started their Summer vacation 3 weeks early because, in Dalton McGinty’s words “our business was finished, we’d fulfilled our mandate” - and then has the gall to suggest that “everything will be wonderful because we’ll give you (angelic harps) A DAY OFF”!!!

WTF IS THAT?????????????????

If you were an employer and the Liberal Party of Ontario were an employee, would you not fire them? I would. They lied on their resume, they dipped into the till, then they blackmailed you for a pay raise and an extra 3 weeks of vacation.

Well, surprise surprise, they ARE an employee, and WE ARE their employers – and that’s the beauty of democracy, we CAN fire them.

Dalton, stop insulting our intelligence, we’re neither fooled nor amused.

A mean feat

I have to admit that I’ve never understood the motivation behind the act of being mean to people. Seriously, being mean is a malicious action that requires effort, and there’s neither goodwill nor personal satisfaction involved. I’m not a psychologist but I’m convinced that meanness, like most forms of emotionally “acting out”, stems from insecurity. Meanness especially is some sort of pre-emptive strike ie if I lash out at your for no apparent reason then I am untouchable and therefore cannot be hurt myself. This borders on sociopathic or psychopathic behaviour, which is to say a destructive act without conscience and therefore without remorse.

The next time you read something that fits into the description above, consider the source.

Hot Fuzz...and not so hot...

“Hot Fuzz” is EASILY the funniest movie I’ve seen in the better part of a year. DAMN it was funny. Clever, clever writing, great comic acting and direction, and that all-important quality that can make or break a comedy – impeccable timing.

“Black Snake Moan” on the other hand is the biggest mess of a movie I’ve seen in the better part of a year. This train wreck had no idea where it was going, and took most of 2 hours to not get there. Yeeeeesh.

Like a David Lynch movie, without the movie part…

The other day I was walking up our street and there on someone’s front lawn was a squirrel’s tail without a squirrel attached to it.

How the hell does that THAT happen?

So I turns to the little lady and I says “the neighbourhood’s goin’ ta shit, I tells ya”.

“Hello Cleveland”

In a couple of months time I’m headed to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland with 3 friends who have never been (I was there last Fall). This is meant as a “male bonding” type weekend, to celebrate the November wedding of one of these friends.

I don’t normally like the institutionalization of things that are meant to be anti-institution (like rock and roll) but hell, it’s just a cool place. If I can spend a day looking at Jerry Garcia’s guitars, John Lennon’s handwritten lyrics, and film clips of the greatest performers who ever lived, then it’s a good day.

Angels and demons and paintings, oh my...

I’ve started reading Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons”, the predecessor to “The DaVinci Code”, which I finished reading a couple of weeks back (I know, I know – I’ve also yet to see Star Wars so shut up…)

So far “Angels and Demons” is SO strikingly similar to “The DaVinci Code” that it’s a bit shameful. Dan Brown has written the same book twice, the difference being that the one about the Holy Grail sold a lot more than the one about the Illuminati. Perhaps if Monty Python regroups and does a film and a musical about the Illuminati, Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons” will also hit the bestseller list. Personally I’d pay to see a musical about the Illuminati, although I suppose Mozart pretty much covered that one with “The Magic Flute”.

Bastard, I, like, hate you Mozart.

8 weeks and counting

Soon to be ex-Premier of Ontario Dalton McGuinty is spending millions of our dollars that he doesn’t own, to buy votes. But, uhm, you’ll recall last election he did the same thing and then, once in office, said he was just kidding (or something like that).

I think that one year prior to elections all candidates and their families should have to move into a very average house, have their income reduced to that of the average Canadian, lose all their “perks”, and then make do. Seriously, this is the ONLY way they’ll get a taste of the reality we all live with, and this is the ONLY way they’ll understand that in order to make ends meet you have to budget for food, mortgage and car payments, education, health care, home maintenance, taxes, etc etc etc.

Dalton McGuinty has all the economic prowess of a Neanderthal with a Ouija board and a fistful of Canadian Tire money.

Wipe this

To quote Charles Manson “Is it me, or has the world gone crazy?”

Actually I made that up, but best to admit my transgressions before Oprah nails me in a primetime web of lies.

Anyway today’s crazy story comes from some Hollywood sphincter pilot of an actor whose name means nothing to me. Mr Famous Person insists he will not date any woman who does not wipe her ass with moistened tissues, insisting that if she uses dry paper she’s not really clean.

Let’s all say it together – misogynistic controlling future abuser.

Truthfully I don’t know which is more alarming – that he admitted this publicly, or that it made print, albeit on dry paper…

Yogi Berra lives

Last night I was watching a Blue Jays/Kansas City Royals game when the colour commentator remarked that Jays pitcher Jesse Litsch “has a lot of compassion for the game”.

Jesse Litsch feels sorry for baseball? Wow, I guess the game really IS suffering…or maybe you meant “PASSION for the game”

I fear the world is becoming clogged with unnecessary chatter

Discuss

(HA!)