Silly Love Songs

One of the most infamous lines in pop lyricism is Dan Hill’s “Sometimes when we touch/the honesty’s too much”

An invitation to derision, to be sure.

In answer to this, and for no reason other than I’m bored, here is my homage (as the kids say) to this putrid piece of pathetic pseudo-poignancy…

Sometimes when I fart/I like to call it art

Sometimes when I walk/it’s just around the block

Sometimes when I drive/I drink a “Five Alive”

Sometimes when I eat/there’s nothing on my feet

Sometimes when I sleep/my dreams are very deep

Sometimes when I swim/I should be at the gym

Sometimes when I work/it’s fun to be a jerk

And I have to close my eyyyyyyes, and hide.

Levee's gonna break

Having just moved to Vancouver, and while we’re waiting to take possession of our newly purchased house, I’m bunking with my boss, an amazing man with a huge brain, a huge heart, and a really big TV.

Looking through his DVD collection the other day, I found Michael Moore’s “Sicko”. This is one of the most depressing films I’ve ever seen. You think America is screwed? Wrong. They’re not simply “screwed”, they are in total decline. We are actually witnessing, in our lifetime, the decline and fall of what was once the most powerful nation on earth. I’m not just basing this on a Michael Moore film, I’m basing it on cold hard fact.

Their economy is toast. They are mired in a war that is costing billions and billions of dollars. Their federal government is corrupt to the point that they can no longer even keep their own lies straight. Their media mouthpiece is one of the most well-funded television networks on the air, Fox. Their friends are “good Christian people”, everyone else is “evil” or “connected to terrorism”.

The United States government no longer has the power, nor the want, to protect the freedom that it is supposedly fighting and dying for. It is a tired, filthy, burned-out shell of a once great empire.

This is very surreal. For most of us, the collapse of nations and civilizations has always been limited to history books. We are now seeing it first hand.

For the longest time I was thrilled, still am really, to be alive at the dawn of the “Digital Age”. This, this is something else entirely, a fearsome specter that I would never have dreamt I would see in my lifetime.

Puff, daddy

I enjoy the occasional cigar, and by cigar I don’t mean one whose name begins with the words “Old Port” or “White Owl” – so when it came time to say farewell to one of my oldest friends, prior to moving from Ontario to B.C., we arranged to meet at one of our favourite haunts, Thomas Hinds Tobacconist in Toronto.

Thomas Hinds is probably the most famous cigar shop in Toronto, they boast a very large walk-in humidor, a selection of the very best cigars, and a very comfortable lounge in which to smoke them.

I arrived ahead of my friend, walked into the shop and upstairs, followed by one of the shopkeepers who would, as was customary, unlock the humidor so I could make my selection. Imagine my surprise however when I walked through what had been the smoking lounge and saw office furniture and cubicle dividers in place of the couches and wingback chairs that had always been there. “What happened to the lounge?” I inquired. “Government shut us down”. He obviously read my look of disbelief and added “end of an era”.

You can no longer smoke in a shop that caters only to smokers.

No one stumbles upon Thomas Hinds thinking it’s a restaurant, bar, library, grocery or convenience store. People – people who smoke cigars – are the only people who patronize Thomas Hinds. They know EXACTLY why they are there, and EXACTLY what to expect when they go there. They have no allusions about second-hand smoke, they are there to enjoy every last puff FIRST hand. They know it’s not healthy, they know the risks, but they choose to smoke cigars anyway. Choice is part of democracy, to get all grandiose on yer ass.

My friend had not yet arrived, so I chose a Romeo et Julietta (one of my favourites), paid and left.

I met my friend, we had dinner, and then I realized I’d left my cel phone in the shop. When I went back the clerk handed it over to me, and as we left I noticed the very distinct aroma of a freshly lit cigar wafting through the air.

So I breathed in as deeply as I could and left.

Got game

This past week the B.C. Department of Life-Sized Puppets unveiled their hideously cute official mascots of the 2010 Olympics. Of the 3, I can only recall the name of the third, “Sumi”.

I love this name, it sounds like a dare. I think we need more of this in Olympic sport. Enough with the political correctness, let’s put some ‘tude in these here games.

btw I STILL think “pie eating” should be an Olympic sport…

DUI (Driving Under Intelligently)

Sometimes it takes me a while to catch up on pop culture, so it’s been only
recently that I You-Tubed the months-old Paris Hilton humility-fest on Letterman.

This clip should be shown in college and university Media Studies classes, as an example of how the myth of celebrity is created and ultimately destroyed.

Some have accused David Letterman of being cruel, but in fact this was high satire. He wasn’t just poking fun at her, he wasn’t bullying her, he was merely using sarcasm to make the point that all of us, including Paris Hilton, are responsible for own actions, and that there is a price to pay – a lesson that I honestly don’t believe she’s learned. David Letterman merely held the bubble of celebrity privilege up to her face and pushed a pin into it.

Read into his question “did you know what you were in (jail) for?” Prior to being charged, tried and jailed Ms Hilton repeatedly played dumb about driving while intoxicated, driving while under licence suspension, driving while on probation, etc. Paris, if you act stupid then you will be treated as if you ARE stupid, you cannot have it both ways.

If this had been a Barbara Walters interview there would have been soft-focus crocodile tears, long pauses, re-assurances that we now live in a kinder, gentler world because Paris has suffered for our sins, moments of soul-feeding sisterhood, long walks through manicured gardens, blah blah blah blah blah. “Homecoming – the Paris Hilton you never knew, tonight on FOX following an all-new Shitbenders”.

But it wasn’t, it was Letterman, it was not her stage to set, it was his. To quote one of my favourite proverbs “you knew I was a snake when you picked me up”.

In a previous blog I held out hope that this icon of vacuous pop culture would live up to her pledge of selflessness once she left jail, and I meant it. Instead she went on Letterman to shill for her new perfume. Without so much as lifting the cap off the bottle I can tell you that it reeks of social conscience rotting from the inside out.

I bear no personal malice towards Paris Hilton, honestly I could care less about her life, it has no bearing on my own. So why write anything? Because I DO care about this long dark tunnel of stupidity that so much of western culture seems to be crawling down on its hands and knees, hoping that the next celebrity disaster will momentarily illuminate its personal darkness.

The Letterman interview was a cultural landmark, evidence that yes, there are those of us who will not allow our intelligence to be insulted, will not be led like doomed livestock into the darkness of that tunnel.