Pass me that garden hose, would ya...

Like everyone I get my share of SPAM. My favourite subject line hit the “inbox” today:

“TRY COLON CLEANSING AT HOME”

No, thanks anyway.

Ouch

This past weekend I cut into the tip of my left index finger with a power saw. Fortunately it’s not a deep cut, but it scared the hell out of me. Oddly my first thought was “how is this going to affect my guitar playing?”. Funny how our minds work, huh?

Lights Out

A few weeks back I was driving to work in the early morning dark. About halfway to Toronto I noticed a newer office building (the highway is jammed with them) that was lit up like a Christmas tree. Just then it struck me why this building caught my attention – because all the other buildings WEREN’T lit up. This a big change from just 5 years ago when every office park along the Queen Elizabeth Highway was fully lit, day and night. I don’t know if this shift away from wasteful electricity use is a post-blackout reaction (south eastern Ontario suffered a massive blackout 4 years ago) or a more enlightened (pardon the pun) attitude towards energy usage, but it’s pretty darned encouraging.

Charlie Hustle

I think Pete Rose belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Discuss.

Spin Cycle

I hate the term “spin”, as in to “put a spin on something”. In this context “spin” is another word for “lie” – which actually makes the term “spin” a spin in itself. Follow me? Good.

Spin is the assumption on the part of the spinner that if they put a sugar candy coating on an unpleasant truth that we will swallow it without question. Have you ever held a coated aspirin on your tongue long enough for the coating to dissolve? Guess what – tastes like aspirin. Uggh.

Spin is patronizing, insulting, filthy, dishonest and a gutless substitute for “balls” (pardon the unintentional sexism). Personally speaking the wages of spin is that I barely take anything I read at face value anymore.

This tirade stems from the most recent suggestion, by those who supply water to the Greater Toronto Area, that the pricing of water should be based on the same template as the pricing of electricity i.e. the price for water should be set daily, even hourly, as the demand for water fluctuates. If it’s a hot day and folks are using a lot of water, the price goes up. If it’s a cool day and the demand isn’t as high, the price goes down – just like electricity.

Here’s the spin – “this will make people more conscious of their water usage and therefore they’ll learn to conserve water”.

BULLSHIT

No supplier of ANYTHING has EVER given a shit about conserving ANYTHING, save for profits. I cannot in my sickest imagination see the suppliers of water patting themselves on the back for SELLING LESS WATER.

Here’s problem #2 with this spin – water is not and should never be seen as a commodity. Unfortunately we’re increasingly seeing the commercialization of water. We have slowly but surely grown accustomed to water as a product through the sale of bottled water, the “spin” being that tap water is unsafe. Really? That’s pretty fucked up, I brush my teeth with it every single day, I wash my hands in it several times a day, I bath in it, I give it to my cats, sometimes I even (???) DRINK IT. I’ve engaged in this relationship with tap water since 1959, and my only problem is that I piss a lot when I’ve had too much. Soooo the water that’s coming from today’s municipal purification systems, which I’ll assume are more “state of the art” than the ones from 1959, is not as good as the water I drank all through my childhood (pre-bottled water)? Wow – f*** me.

Water is the essence of all living things. We NEED water in order to stay alive. No water, no life. No water, no planet. To base the pricing of water on “market value” is as ludicrous as charging for air. That said we, all of us, bear the responsibility of conserving water – but this should not be mandated via price fixing, it should be mandated by common sense, which I’m still optimistic most people have.

Stop using automated lawn irrigation systems, don’t flush your toilet until it’s necessary, etc etc etc – water conservation tips are just a Google away.

You really want to f*** with the spinners? Stop buying bottled water, reduce demand all on your own, buy a Brita water jug, or a tap filter.

Refuse to let water become the new oil or electricity.

Don’t accept lies from profiteers.

I can do it, they can help

I’ve developed an altogether unhealthy relationship with Home Depot – co-dependent would best describe it.

Sometimes I just wander up and down those double-wide aisles marveling at all that humankind has created in order to make our homes and our lives infinitely beautiful. Other times, like today, I buy stuff. Today I bought more pressure treated wood for some deck repairs I’m doing, and a Dewalt compound miter saw that came with a bonus 18 volt cordless drill – and it was all 20% off.

The whole shootin’ match came to $400, but I gladly, nay excitedly handed over my debit card, punched in those numbers, and headed home, secure in the knowledge that, like a lifelong companion, Home Depot will always be there to help me fulfill my homiest handiest manliest potential.

Stranger Than Fiction

I recently watched a movie called “Death of a President”, a “fictional documentary” about the assassination of George W. Bush in Chicago. It was REALLY well done, but obviously REALLY controversial. Critics claimed…

(a) it was in bad taste
(b) it would “inspire” copycat killers to assassinate GWB
(c) it was “un-American”

This reminded me of the bruhaha surrounding the original “Manchurian Candidate” (starring Frank Sinatra). Depending on who’s answering the question, the film was pulled from theatres before/after the JFK assassination because…

(a) it was deemed in bad taste
(b) it “inspired” Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate JFK
(c) it was considered “un-American”

Actually one of the most plausible reasons it was pulled was that the studio was losing money on it, probably attributable to all of the above. Even in 1962 it’s doubtful that a Hollywood film studio would pull its product from the shelf because of an attack of conscience.

So, in other words, the truth was fictionalized and spun back to us.

Funny thing about truth, the expectation is that it’s to be believed coming from some mouths, but not others.

Anyway, back to “Death of a President” and the spinning thereof. One of its most vocal critics was Hilary Clinton who called it “despicable” although she hadn’t seen it. OK, I get it, no political figure will EVER endorse a film that portrays a political assassination, but here’s the point; it’s FICTION. If someone really plans on whacking Bush they don’t need a film to convince them. I doubt that a died-in-the-wool psycho killer is going to tell himself “I THINK I wanna do this but I’d better go see a movie first, just to be sure”.

That said, “Death of a President” definitely has a high “creepy” factor, and it’s a really uncomfortable film to watch. As much as I loathe GWB I don’t want the man dead, I just want him out of politics. Be that as it may however, one of the scariest aspects to consider is that once Bush is gone, VP Dick Cheney is in charge. Bush is just dumb, but Cheney is f***ing evil.

Fate

In February of 2003 I was vacationing in Costa Rica where access to world news is scarce, so I didn’t hear of the Columbia shuttle disaster until I’d returned home. Even then I heard few details of this tragedy. It was only last night, during a documentary called “Falling Star”, that I got the full story, the gist of which is that the shuttle Columbia was doomed from liftoff. I still have trouble grasping that – 7 astronauts and scientists orbited the earth in a death ship for 16 days, innocently carrying out experiments whilst adrift in the infinite beauty and wonder of outer space.

When the shuttle launched a piece of foam insulation the size of a briefcase flew off the front of the craft and hit the left wing at 500 miles per hour, creating a hole 16 inches in diameter. No one aboard the shuttle or on the ground knew about the hole. On re-entering the earth’s atmosphere the left wing was breached by fiery heat (4000 Celsius). The inner frame of the wing melted, the wing disintegrated and the ship exploded into a fireball which then fell to earth.

I think most folks would admit to wanting a glimpse into their future. I dunno – if faced with such a catastrophic finality I think I’d prefer the bliss of ignorance.

I am a moving target

I have a sign on my forehead that only drunk people can see. It says “if you are drunk, talk to me”.

Case in point: a few years ago I was watching A Perfect Circle (the side project of Tool frontman Maynard Keenan) at a Toronto venue called The Warehouse. Mid-show a really, REALLY drunk guy came over and shouted above the din “Maynard is Satan, y’know – he’s come here to show us the truth”. Such eloquence, I thought as I tried to will his spittle from the front of my shirt, Kreskin- style.

I mentally constructed several arguments to counter his point, but then thought better of “mud wrestling with a pig” (to paraphrase Dr Phil, or maybe Satan himself) and besides, he might’ve just puked on my shoes.

Uniforms

Being 48 I’m usually one of the oldest people at concerts – well, the kinds of concerts that my kids, if I had any, would be going to. For this reason I tend to make observations that are as anthropological as musical. For example, at last Monday night’s Tool show the uniform of choice was a black t-shirt, LOTS of tattoos, and a scowl. Hey kids, lighten up, you got a ticket. Seriously though, at what point does the need to express individuality intersect with conformity? (BUZZER) Answer: at a rock concert. When everyone looks tough, no one is tough; when everyone has an attitude, no one has an attitude; when everyone is sneering they might as well be naked and grinning. Tribal? Not a chance.

I don’t care one way or another, really – but if you want to express yourself outwardly then do something different.

I always admired Alice Coopers’ habit of defying trends, earlier in his life and career anyway. In high school when everyone else grew their hair long Alice cut his short. When everyone else wore jeans and t-shirts to school, Alice wore a tie and a jacket. And when he grew up to be a ghoul Alice defiantly proclaimed that he “drove a stake through the heart of the love generation”.

You go, girl.

Phony bill

I was in New York city a couple of weekends back, working, and learned a really valuable life lesson. Never make long distance calls from the hotel room telephone. Sadly my Tonka Toys cel phone was technologically crippled south of the 49th parallel, so I had little choice. Ironically ALL of the calls were to the cel phones of my co-workers who were ALSO in New York that weekend.

My hotel phone bill was $350.00 U.S.

I’ll repeat that figure in case you want to write it down - $350.00 U.S.

This was for approx 20 phone calls, most of which were less than 60 seconds.

This life lesson brought to you by my dumb ass. You’re welcome.

I heart Jetblue

My love affair with Jetblue continues. Recently I was returning from New York just following the London and Glasgow terrorist attacks. I mention this only because it meant getting to JFK airport in lots of time to go through security, which actually didn’t take that long. With about 90 minutes to kill I discovered that Jetblue, which totally occupies terminal 6 at JFK, had set up the whole place for FREE Wi-Fi !!! (most airports charge for this). Not only that, there was a large seating area equipped with electrical outlets for those of us with limited battery power. I love you Jetblue, I want to bear your children.

Btw I’ve discovered the best place to sit on a plane, although it’s not for everyone – the back. True, the seats don’t recline fully, but the odds of having no one around you are pretty good because most people don’t like sitting at the back. So when that big ‘ol aluminum bird soars high above the clouds, I can stretch out, put stuff in the seats beside me, and go to the washroom without contorting myself to get past other passengers.

And besides, when the plane nosedives into the side of a mountain, I’ll die last.

Losin' it

Things I’ve lost on the GO train, some as recently as yesterday morning;

- a cel phone

- a watch

- a hardcover Stephen King novel (“Bag of Bones”, in case you spot it)

- 2 laptop batteries (@ $200 each)

- many, many baseball caps

- 2 pairs of shoes

- at least one toque, probably more

This isn’t normal, and I can’t explain it. Urrrgggghhhh.

Life is strange

A couple of weekends back I was watching a documentary on primordial dwarfs. Unlike midgets or dwarfism as we know it, primordial dwarfs BARELY develop beyond the physical stature of their early life – so a primordial dwarf who is 40 looks like a child of 4 years. This is just heartbreaking to see. One of the subjects, an adult woman, described the loneliness and isolation of being waist high to most people her age. As if her condition weren’t enough the one part of her physiology that HAD fully developed was her front teeth, which protruded over her lower lip, permanently. This, combined with severely underdeveloped vocal cords, made sub-titles a necessary accompaniment to her spoken words.

Sadly primordial dwarves are seen by most as oddities, which is understandable as we all have a natural curiosity for the incomprehensible. Fact is there are only
60 of them in the entire world.

So where do we, as relatively healthy adults, fit into the grand scheme of things? This has always bothered me, “handicap and equality” as singer Peter Hamill puts it. Simply stated, why them and not us?

Don’t know.

Live Earth

I watched a good chunk of yesterday’s Live Earth broadcast. It was as good an excuse as any to further ignore the many home projects I’ve been so good at ignoring up until now. Seriously though this was a great broadcast in support of an even greater cause. The best part of course is that it’s not too late, and all any of us has to do is make a few small changes to reverse the cycle of damage that’s been accumulating since the 1950’s.

Interestingly the term that seems to rankle critics of environmental change is “global warming”. That one phrase is a Pavlovian cue to open the floodgates for right-wingers who assert that what we’re experiencing is merely cyclical, that this is the normal course of the earth’s climate and that any other reaction is an over-reaction.

Well, given that the last similar “cyclical” change was the end of the ice age, I think there may be cause for concern.

So let’s simplify the situation for those who require simplification. Substitute the words “global warming” with “pollution”. OK, now who in any part of this “civilized” world can deny the existence of pollution? Are the skies SUPPOSED to be filled with gray smoke? Is the ground SUPPOSED to be littered with garbage? Was all of this pollution here before us, or did we create it? What kind of animal shits where it sleeps?

Is there any harm in cleaning up our mess, or do we prefer to live this way?

If you don’t believe in global warming then simply believe in pollution - then start cleaning up after yourself.

Live Earth pt II

I honestly believe that our penchant for polluting is that we’ve completely lost our connection to the earth. No connection, no respect, no earth. We need look no further than the first inhabitants of North America, the aboriginal people, for some very simple lessons. To most tribes the earth was sacred, a gift from the Creator. The earth provided food and shelter and sustenance. What was taken was to be given back. It was not treated as disposable, as though once we’d used up this earth we could just move on to the next one. Do some reading on the Lipan Apache – some pretty interesting lessons from people who relied solely on the earth, and so learned to co-exist with it rather than destroying it.

Earth is not a convenience store. Once the air is filled with Co2 it’s gone. Once the water is undrinkable there’s no more. Think on this for a second – why are we all drinking bottled water? Was there not a time in recent history where we trusted what came out of the tap? Well much to the delight of bottled water producers we no longer trust anything that doesn’t come from a plastic bottle – except that the plastic bottle itself is now the problem, and we have been “trained” that the very essence of life itself, water, is a commercial commodity.

Earth is not a fast food outlet. The greatest thieves of the planet’s natural resources are corporations like McDonald’s. They wantonly plow down entire forests so that they can speed-raise cattle for hamburgers – then they process the hell out of the meat and sell it to us with a clown and a toy. How f**king perverse is THAT???!!! Poison the earth AND it’s people.

Earth is not a gas pump. I will point the finger just as readily as the next person at Exxon et al, yet supply and demand dictates that if we take Hummers and every other gas-guzzling monster off the road then Exxon et al will have no choice but to adapt and start offering alternative, cleaner sources of fuel.

We can no longer rely on governments to fix what’s broken, we can only rely on ourselves. We own this earth, we have to affect change.