You're soaking in it...

Most people recognize this as the symbol for “danger: corrosive materials”. What most don’t know is that I was the hand model for this symbol – or at least I could pass for that now, having spent the weekend with my hands immersed in liquid cleaners displaying this symbol.

Was I wearing rubber gloves? HA! Rubber gloves are for wusses and proctologists (sidebar: why would anyone WANT to be a proctologist??? Failed med school? Here, put on these gloves and this noseclip. Actually I wonder how many proctologists close their eyes when they’re doing an exam? It’s not like you’d know, laying prone on those crinkly paper sheets, hoping for a quick end, pardon the pun).

Anyway I probably should heed those well-intentioned warning labels, cuz now my right hand looks “The Scale”, who would have easily made the cut had “The Fantastic 4” loosened their entrance requirements to become “The Flawed 5”.

For the benefit of folks like me who neither pay attention to labels or read operating manuals (ohhhh, I plug it in FIRST, nowwwww I understand) I propose a more aggressive approach to these labels. From this point on the label for corrosive materials should feature a skeletal hand followed by a couple copulating followed by a duncecap, the message being “danger: corrosive materials, you f**king idiot”. The symbol for “danger: explosive materials” should be followed by a graphic representation of an sphincter (danger: explosive materials, asshole); and the sign for “radioactive materials” should be followed by this;

R – lamb – copulating couple – cashews-?-running stick figure-satan

(are you f**king nuts – run like hell)

Btw I’m fine with the signs they put on cigarette packs, I get it.