not good

Very early one morning last Summer 2 Toronto youths were street racing along a stretch of Mt Pleasant Blvd that would be perfect for racing were it not for the fact that it’s not a racetrack, and street racing is illegal and endangering to other drivers and pedestrians. One of the cars struck a cab, killing the driver and leaving his family without a husband/father. Yesterday the 2 youths were sentenced to one year’s house arrest, which is like being grounded by your parents. Oh, and they’re allowed to leave the house to go to work and school.

When the sentence for talking a human life through wreckless endangerment is a one year “grounding” the waterline is well over our heads.

emissions

I read an interesting statistic today. Canadians use 14,500 litres of gas a minute. Mind you some days I expel 14,500 cubic metres of gas a minute, but I’m polite enough to warn those around me.

Mind you that gas could also probably power a few vehicles…

dance as if no one's watching...or not...

Right now there’s a girl sitting across from me on the GO Train listening to music and bopping her head. I have a friend who refers to this as “boho dancing”.

hawkee

Does anyone else think the NHL playoff schedule just plain blows? There hasn’t been a Saturday night game for 2 weeks, and the Stanley Cup finals kicked off on a Monday night (???)

Mind you it was fun seeing Ahhnohld Shvahzenneggehh (goveneh of deh graate staate of Calleefohneeyaahh) with Ron Maclean in a pre-game interview, but Don Cherry’s obsequious behaviour carried a pretty high cringe factor. To quote my lovely wife “he looks like he’s going to pee his pants”.

I’m actually pretty amused that so many Toronto Leaf fans are cheering on the Ducks in the finals, as opposed to supporting the lone Canadian team – because, you know, the Leafs had SUCH a fighting chance to make the playoffs this year, until those Ottawa bastards put a voodoo hex on ‘em. Can’t you just smell the mojo? Aikalimba!

I was 8 years old the last time the Leafs won the cup, that’s how long it’s been.

Trash talk

Littering has to be the most inane activity next to politics. Seriously, it’s one of the most common forms of pollution and yet the easiest to remedy. In fact it’s totally preventable.

The Fountain

Sometimes you chance upon a movie that totally engrosses you from start to finish, that holds you spellbound with it’s sheer beauty and heartbreak. We watched “The Fountain” this past weekend and that’s what it did for me.

In a previous blog I’d mentioned another opportunity to see this film – as an in-flight movie – but I declined. Subtlety + jet engine roar = frustration.

In a nutshell “The Fountain” contrasts the notions of “living forever” with “life everlasting”, an important distinction.

Hugh Jackman plays 3 separate roles in 3 separate time periods; Spanish Conquistador (during the Spanish Inquisition); neural scientist and surgeon (present day); and despondent time traveler (uhm…future). All his earthly time is spent in pursuit of immortality. His obsession with extending life is all-consuming, to the point where he’s no longer actually “living” his own life.

Rachel Weisz, in the present tense, plays his wife who is stricken with brain cancer. While her husband spends most of his time away from her, running a desperate race against time to find a cure for her cancer, she wants nothing more than to have them spend what little time she has left, together.

“The Fountain” is a poignantly told, beautifully illustrated picture of moral dilemma, ethical transgression, and ultimately love.

The Great Outdoors

I’m going camping this weekend, in beautiful Algonquin Park. The last time I went camping it snowed. Yup, nothing like walking out in yer underwear and scraping snow and ice off the tent. However in the 17 years since then I’ve completely abandoned any “purist” notions of camping. This time I’m renting a “yurt”, which is a semi-permanent pre-constructed 16 foot diameter tent that’s already in place in one of the campgrounds. On Saturday morning I will drive up, open the door, toss everything inside and then enjoy the great outdoors. I will bring a coffee maker, an electric griddle, and a radio so I can listen to hockey playoffs and baseball games. Occasionally I will plug in my iPod. “Roughing it” will be confined to using a public shower.

However at some point I WILL capture squirrels, skin ‘em and slow roast them on a spit. Hey, gotta get back to nature somehow…

Law and Disorder

I think it’s time for Law and Order to wrap up its caseload and call it a day. This past Friday night I caught one of the newer shows, albeit a re-run, which introduced Jesse L. Martin’s latest partner, a stunningly beautiful woman named Milena Govich. She replaced Dennis Farina, who replaced the late Jerry Orbach, who was one of the best tv cops ever.

As much as I enjoy looking at Milena Govich for the 30 minutes of the “Law” portion of each week’s show, there’s a small part that’s missing, which would be the acting part. She has 2 expressions – blank, and blank with eyebrows arched.

This past Friday’s episode introduced her character, detective Nina Cassady, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out where she came from or how the hell she wound up a homicide detective. There was several mentions of her being a former beauty queen, and at one point her legitimacy as a homicide detective was called into question, but I got the distinct feeling I had more qualifications than she did since I played a cop in a high school production of “Arsenic and Old Lace” many years ago.

There have been several classic characters in L&O’s sometimes illustrious run, but probably only one classic lineup;

Detective Lennie Brisco – Jerry Orbach (R.I.P.)
Detective Mike Logan – Chris Noth
Lt. Anita Van Buren – S. Epatha Merkerson
Executive Assistant District Attorney Ben Stone – Michael Moriarty
Assistant District Attorney Claire Kinkaid – Jill Hennessy

This was killer ensemble acting which has since become the domain of HBO, leaving conventional network television in it’s dust.

I once was blind, then I picked up a hammer and saw

At last count there were 700 of these home reno shows on tv – “Fix This House”, “Flip This Dump” “Fix This Flippin’ Dump” and my favourite “Just What The F*** Was I Thinking Anyway”. Btw I’ve sent a proposal to The Learning Channel (slogan: “Violence Disguised As Education”) for a show called “Burn And Earn”, which involves speculation and arson, but I’ve not heard back from them to date.

I’m actually beginning to enjoy these programs BECAUSE I CAN RELATE to finding out all sorts of shit about a “used” house that makes absolutely no sense…whatsoever. For example why did the previous owners paint the dining room ceiling BLACK? Who the hell owned this house, Anton LaVey? (Google it, peeps…)

Actually to be fair we’ve also discovered some interesting if not amusing things about our house, which was constructed during the reign of the Pharohs. Fer instance there’s a bricked-in square in one of the basement walls, which once served as a coal chute (told ya it was old). We also found a pair of gas jets in the walls on either side of the fireplace, to which gaslights would once have been attached.

But my fave was a recent discovery. We have a walk-in attic storage space (supah handy!!!), the ceiling of which has forever been sheets of cardboard covering rotten insulation. Recently I decided to tear it all out, replace the insulation, and cover it with drywall. As I grabbed the first sheet of cardboard and wailed on it with all my might, out fell 2 packs of DuMaurier cigarettes and a 1971 Playboy magazine. Seems the previous owners kids’ used the attic space fer smoke and spank parties. Funny, you never see those kinds of discoveries on the Discovery channel.

Back to the tube. Last night’s show (I can’t remember the name so make up your own) spotlighted a couple who’d purchased an abandoned 3 bedroom house, sight unseen, at an auction. As they opened the back door for the first time they recoiled from the stench and considered calling the police to check for bodies. However as they pried the door open further, out walked a dog and 2 cats.

SOME ASSHOLE MOVED OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND LEFT A DOG AND 2 CATS BEHIND.

This infuriates me. These are living creatures that you have locked in a house void of food and water to fend for themselves, asswipe.

This kind of crime should carry jail time. Seriously, this is abuse plain and simple, and the kind of person who would imprison an animal with the excuse that it’s life is no longer “convenient” needs to be imprisoned themselves.

There’s no shortage of studies linking animal abuse to human abuse, and no shortage of evidence that children who abuse animals grow up with a disregard for life in general, and become abusive adults.

And frankly I can see no better place for these “animals” than in a cage.

A timely song

I think the values of compassion and forgiveness are important. I just wish I was better at it than I am, but I suppose we all have difficulty with that one.

I’ve been listening to Tom Wait’s “Orphans” CD a lot lately, and I was particularly moved by the song “Down There By The Train”. Tom wrote it in 1994 and the late Johnny Cash recorded it for the first of his Rick Rubin produced projects “American Recordings”. Tom’s own version is one of those songs that just stays with you. Here’s the lyric, enjoy.


There's a place I know where the train goes slow
Where the sinner can be washed in the blood of the lamb
There's a river by the trestle down by sinner's grove
Down where the willow and the dogwood grow

You can hear the whistle, you can hear the bell
From the halls of heaven to the gates of hell
And there's room for the forsaken if you're there on time
You'll be washed of all your sins and all of your crimes
If you're down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there where the train goes slow

There's a golden moon that shines up through the mist
And I know that your name can be on that list
There's no eye for an eye, there's no tooth for a tooth
I saw Judas Iscariot carrying John Wilkes Booth
He was down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
He was down there where the train goes slow

If you've lost all your hope, if you've lost all your faith
I know you can be cared for and I know you can be safe
And all the shamefuls and all of the whores
And even the soldier who pierced the side of the Lord
Is down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there where the train goes slow

Well, I've never asked forgiveness and I've never said a prayer
Never given of myself, never truly cared
I've left the ones who loved me and I'm still raising Cain
I've taken the low road and if you've done the same
Meet me down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there where the train goes slow

Meet me down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there by the train
Down there where the train goes slow

Gas pains pt I

Excuses the oil companies use to raise the price of gas;

- the sun was in our eyes
- a tanker truck in Wyoming got a flat on the way to a refinery
- there might be a flood/hurricane/tornado/drought/plague of locusts/famine somewhere in the world, and this will affect oil prices; and even if there isn’t the very thought of it gives us the willies, so this will affect oil prices
- there’s not enough oil
- there’s too much oil
- we think there’s going to be too much oil at some point, or possibly not enough
- our feet hurt
- hey, a guy/girl has to eat
- there was a well fire on a platform off the coast of Bora Bora, and even though we don’t buy our oil from Bora Bora, this will still affect the price of oil
- an elk tripped over the Alaskan pipeline and, well, you know…
- someone saw the ghost of Saddam Hussein pissing in an oil well – hey, can’t sell that batch
- someone threw sand in the Alberta oil sands – can’t sell contaminated oil
- rock, paper, scissors
- papa needs a brand new bag
- hey, someone’s gotta pay for those “On The Go” stores, might as well be you
- Texas isn’t as big as we originally thought, and this will affect the price of oil
- We found a hole in one of the barrels
- The neighbour’s dog “Son of Sammy” spoke to us – “ruff ruff ruff, raise the price of oil”
- Some kids poured a bag of sugar into the North Sea and it got into all the offshore wells
- Daylight’s comin’ and I wanta go home

Gas pains pt II

I travel past an oil refinery in Bronte, Ontario twice every single weekday on my way to and from work. I’m guessing that they have gasoline there – lots of gasoline. Gasoline that’s been in those mammoth tanks for, oh , 3 months or more. Gasoline that has neither been affected by natural disasters nor oil shortages or well fires. Funny thing though – the gasoline in those tanks will sell for the same or more than the oil that HAS been through the aforementioned misfortunes. Unfortunately I’ll never get any politician to explain this discrepancy to me. They don’t have to, their gas is paid for – by us.

Gov't MIA

The last time the price of gas went well above a dollar a litre I did what our members of parliament encourage us to do. I wrote to our now retired Liberal MP Beth Phinney. She never wrote back. I also wrote her several years ago when a teenager was brutally murdered at a mall near our home. She never wrote back. I’m pretty sure she can read because she would regularly send us a “report” telling us all about the wonderful work she was doing on parliament hill as our elected representative. Oddly she never mentioned gas price gouging or crime stats. I guess these things didn’t matter in her world.

Ship of fools

Last December the Ontario Liberal party, the reigning fools in our province, forced through a bill granting themselves a 25 percent pay raise. This was their last act of business prior to their Christmas break, which lasts into February. The bill was introduced by my own member of provincial parliament Marie Bountragiani. In the four years that she’s served as our elected representative in provincial parliament this is the FIRST act of business that I’ve EVER heard of Ms Bountragiani bring involved in. Apparently the only person she’s representing is herself.

the cycle of poverty

I find it sadly ironic that the kinds of foods that are most affordable to those living at or below the poverty line are the least nutritious and therefore the worst for them. Foods that are full of fats, sugars and starches; fast foods that are barely fit for animal consumption; junk foods that are responsible for obesity and lethargy. All of these contribute to the vicious circle of poverty.

imho

I’m convinced that Radiohead’s “OK Computer” is the closest that my generation will come to The Beatles “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”.

And speaking of “Sgt Pepper’s” – yesterday I read a quote from Doors keyboardist Ray Manzarek in which he’s convinced that The Beatles ripped off the orchestral climax of “A Day In The Life” from the climax of The Doors “The End”. Piss off Ray. BTW am I the only one who thinks that Jim Morrison was a highly overrated drunk?

Time tunnel

When I was young and drunk several of my friends (flesh-and-blood friends that is, not “myspace” friends) would go to see Canrockers Goddo at every available opportunity. I was never a big fan of the band, but that’s neither here nor there. I bring this up because head Goddo guy Greg Godovitz is now employed by one of the radio stations I work for, and he’s frequently seen in the hallways. Yesterday I was walking back to my studio and heard this over the station intercom system: “Would Greg Godovitz please call reception, Greg Godovitz please call reception”. I dunno, seemed kind of funny…

non sequitor

Do you ever have weird thoughts pop into your head, stuff like “I wonder how long it would take me to dismantle that building by hand?”

No?

Me neither…

Sir George

The evening of Thursday May 3rd was one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences. I saw Sir George Martin speak at Toronto’s Wintergarden Theatre. For those of you too young to remember The Beatles, and that’s most of you on myspace, George Martin was their Producer. He’s often referred to as “the 5th Beatle”. In truth I always thought “the 5th Beatle” referred to Charlie Manson – turns out no.

Imagine spending 2 rapturous hours spellbound by stories about the making of “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”, listening to original demos for the songs that made up that landmark album (we used to call them “albums” son, now pull up your pants and straighten that ball cap”), hearing Sir George solo different parts of songs like “Strawberry Fields” and “A Day In The Life” so that he could illustrate how John Lennon double-tracked his vocal parts, or how drums and vocals were often recorded to one track because they only had 4 tracks to work with and they needed 2 for bass and guitars.

Now imagine this 81 year old, handsome, dignified master who saw The Beatles at their very best and their very worst, solemnly recalling the day his close friend, Beatle’s manager Brian Epstein, took his own life.

George Martin, with incredible technical skill and an even greater empathy for the artistic spirit, allowed The Beatles to explore musical ideas that broke all convention. When John Lennon wanted a calliope on the song “For The Benefit of Mr Kite” George Martin didn’t tell him why they couldn’t haul a steam-driven behemoth of an instrument into Abbey Road studios – instead he created John’s calliope with hundreds of bits of cut-up recording tape randomly spliced together. There was no such thing as “no”, there was only “how”.

Here are a few precious tidbits I learned that night;

- George Martin almost didn’t sign The Beatles to EMI when Brian Epstein first played him their demo tape. Martin thought the songs were terrible, and he is a man who would know these things. However when the band played live for him he signed them on the spot, if for no other reason than their spirit and charm, and their unfaltering belief that they would make it big

- when he wrote the string quartet arrangement for “Eleanor Rigby” George Martin based it on Bernard Herrman’s theme for the Hitchcock film “Psycho” – not the “screech screech screech” part from the shower scene, but the main theme with it’s staccato syncopations

- the trumpet solo for “Penny Lane” was based on Bach’s “Brandenburg Concerto”. Paul McCartney had seen a London Symphony trumpeter performing the concerto on television. George Martin wrote the part, and McCartney had that same trumpeter perform it in the song

Sir George finished the evening with a poignant tale about John Lennon and his method of counting in a song. Traditionally if a song is in 4/4 time one of the musicians will count in “1,2,3,4” and the band begins to play. However John Lennon would always count in songs with nonsense words spoken in the rhythm of the tune. So in closing, as the house lights dimmed and the large screen onstage lit up with an image of John at a microphone, his now sadly disembodied voice quietly counted in “sugarplum fai-ry, sugarplum fai-ry” – and as the opening piano chords of “A Day In The Life” filled the room, the world of rock and roll as all of us had known it changed forever.

Cause and defect

Every time I see a TV commercial for some monster pickup truck with a 300 horsepower V8 hemi, or an SUV big enough to carry a professional sports team, all I can think is that SOLDIERS AND CITIZENS ARE BEING KILLED IN IRAQ SO THAT SELF-CENTERED DOUCHEBAGS CAN FILL THEIR GARGANTUAN TANKS AND DRIVE TO THE FUCKING MALL.

Sorry, was that out loud?